I gained weight..... I did it on purpose.

I am celebrating weight gain. What? Really Deanna? How can you celebrate weight gain in a world where we are told to lose weight and stay small?

WRONG!

I have been gaining weight on purpose, and here is why you may want to do the same;

More muscle is always the answer.

If you are looking to put on muscle mass you may have to get comfortable with seeing the numbers on the scale go up.

Seeing the scale jump may scare you, but listen ladies, that doesn’t mean you have to get “fat" or "bulky" or whatever term you use when you think of someone gaining weight.

Dialing in your calorie intake and training so you are gaining at a rate of 0.5-1% body weight per month is a nice sustainable guideline.

This slow and steady rate will minimize fat gain, but you will gain some fat. (and fat isn't bad)

Currently I don’t count calories. Perhaps if I did I would optimize my muscle growth, but it just doesn’t fit my lifestyle right now as a former chronic dieter. Instead I hit a protein goal, eat intuitively, and take my weight once a month. From there I adjust intake up or down. This could look like an extra scoop of whey protein, or 4 oz of meat, with a couple of rice cakes or a large piece of fruit.

I train 6 days a week, for 45 minutes each session, including my Sunday Lift and Bitch workout with Feminist Figure Girl. We like to split the workouts into body parts. Chest and arms, Back/Deadlifts, Glutes- Hamstring focus, Shoulders, and Legs- quad focus. I only do cardio ( sprints) 1 day a week, but I walk as much as possible.

Takeaways:

-Weight is just a number, it doesn’t define who you are

-If you are looking to put on mass, embrace the new number. and yes, a new clothing size.

-Lifting weights does not make you bulky. (Eating too much makes you bulky)

-Aim for 0.5%-1% increase in body weight per month while eating and training for lean gains.

If I am feeling hungrier on training days, like I mentioned above, I will eat more food. Sometimes I add an extra serving of carbs post workout. ( 1/2 cup oats or a banana) some evenings I drink wine....it is about moderation of all foods.

Your body will need more or less depending on the intensity and duration of your  workouts.

Pick a goal, get a solid plan from a credentialed coach, eat and train, get plenty of sleep and watch what happens.

CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY!

Let's GO!

xFitbabe

Body Image post Physique Competition

Lianne McTavish, Isa Fontbona and I are working on a Collaboration- An Autoethnography based on the Figure * in North America / Women’s Body Fitness division in Europe and the metamorphose leading up to competition. We are discussing our body image in our extremes and then in the current situation in which we live.

This sport is not for everyone. But if you separate the body you have on stage to be judged from the body which is healthy and living everyday life, you can compete and be mentally ok.

The problem lies when women/ men / all genders try and stay contest lean all year and forever !

Isa says “ I feel bewildered because neither my body on stage nor my body after competition corresponds with who I am”

Isa is in full Off season and plans to put on more size and strength coming into her next contest. She is working on her PHD and needs to focus on her studies.

Lianne however is not stressed at all by her “new size” or shape and enjoys being strong. **she also gave birth only a few years after her contest. She has no plans to compete again. Lianne is a Professor in the History of Art, Design and Visual Culture, and has authored the book of her transformation- Feminist Figure Girl - where she explores body image, fat studies, identity politics- a new way of thinking about feminism, the female culture and the female body.

Deanna - for me I struggle. I am a Personal Trainer and value the fit-lean physical body. I have had years where I stayed lean and was stubborn. I continued to eat and train like I was pre contest- and now I am suffering the consequences of hypothalamic amenorrhea, hormone issues and chronic fatigue. I am constantly comparing my body to my leanest and wake up daily wanting to dive back into a contest prep. But I quickly remind myself I like wine and sleeping in and having hormones that allow me to ovulate! 😂 So stay tuned if you are interested in our project.

We are all aware that our bodies on stage were not sustainable nor healthy. We know it is absolutely crucial that we remember it was a day to show case our body art - and that this extreme can’t be our new normal life.

Here is a photo of the three of us on competition day.

Here is a current photo from a #LIFTANDBITCH session last week.

Both of the bodies feel strange to ME.

Are you a Physique competitor struggling with your body image? Or have you been through a body transformation and find you can't maintain it unless you are restricting food and obsessing about exercise? If the body weight you are at right now is a result of restriction, obsessive exercise, and chronic stress, then, well...this is not a natural weight for you.

Hit reply and talk to me. I am here to help.

xFitbabe

Body Obsession

In 2013 I would workout 2 times a day, 7 days a week. I would eat 6 strict measured meals and never deviate from my plan. I would train to burn calories. I was always exhausted, injured, hungry, and my hormones crashed. I was miserable.

Today, I train with heavy weights 4 days a week and do some sort of sprint workout 1-2 days a week, and walk a lot. I eat all foods using a #moderation365 approach. ❤️

For ME, pursuing what I thought was the perfect body was actually destroying my health and taking away my happiness. The crazy amount of sacrifice it took for me to get lean and stay lean provided very little return on investment. Now I have found much more fulfillment by eating and training in a healthy way, treating my body with love and appreciating all the amazing things my body has done for me and continues to do for me each and every day.

Is achieving a six pack worth damaging your health?

When does the pursuit of the perfect body become an obsession?

I was able to discuss this topic on @ctvedmonton. We spoke on why the pursuit of the perfect body is not healthy, especially considering nothing will be different about your life after achieving a six pack - regardless of what you think will happen....😭😕

Here is the link to the clip.

https://edmonton.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=1404378

My goal is to help women stop obsessing over exercise and restricting their nutrition. I want to help them see results by training and eating in a healthy way, without slipping back into their restrictive or disordered tendencies.

If you or someone you know needs help with restriction and over exercising, please hit reply and allow me to help.

XFitbabe

I asked women to tell me what they loved about their bodies and this is what happened....

So last week I was driving to work and the radio station was interviewing a body image expert all about disordered eating. The expert said "91% of women dislike their bodies" and it really stuck with me. It pissed me off. This is why the diet industry is successful. It keeps us small and desperate for the next quick fix to get external validation. What if we instead focus on what we love about our bodies so we can switch the dialogue. When you value yourself, you want the best for your body, you want it to be a beautiful fully working machine that is strong, healthy and confident. I do believe we are making a shift in the fitness industry into a more body positive movement and wanted to prove it.

I went to Facebook and posted this stat and then asked my friends and followers what they LOVED about their bodies....and I had over 70 responses back!

Check it out here!

Join me on Facebook to comment! I would love to know what YOU love about your body!

https://www.facebook.com/deanna.harder.5/posts/10160911759885206

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Being at peace with my body.

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Hello Fit Fam. Accountability post. I am 4 weeks into my build and am working around my back injury. This set back has forced me to train super light with mostly walking for now. Here is my current condition.

I am turning 40 in 5 weeks and I am finally at a place where I am at peace with my body. I'm maintaining my weight (lean gain) while eating foods I love and drinking wine 3-4 nights a week with my dinner or out with friends. I no longer find myself needing to "burn" off extra calories or deprive myself the next day if I over eat a few bites of food. With the moderation mindset no food is off limits and exercise is not a punishment but something I do because I love it! Lift heavy, sprint often and eat all foods in moderation = balance. I am slowly adding muscle which is just fine with me. I am in this for the long game. Oh, and speaking of the long game..here is a fat loss tip.

If you have been dieting for a long time and your fat loss has stalled, it may be time to move into a maintenance phase for a bit. The metabolism adapts (metabolic adaptation). This will give not only your body a break from low calories but your mind as well. Dieting is stressful and if you are in this for the long game, you need to take your time. A welcomed break may just be what you need to kick-start that fat loss again. Hit me up with any questions! #selfieTime#fatloss#moderation365#EDrecovery#lovehowyoufeel#selfcare#fitnessgirl#thisis39#gymlife#gymrat#healthfirst#fitnessat40#muscleandperformance#yegfitness xDGH

What does 40 look like?

I am sitting here reading over my new training plan and am getting my head wrapped around my goals for the next 12 weeks. I have hired Bryan Krahn to help me build some muscle and get a better handle on my own nutrition pitfalls. MY WHY? I, just like many of you, have some road blocks that are keeping me from achieving my body composition goals. I have been following Bryan for several years and after interviewing a few other coaches felt he was the best fit for me. Give him a follow if you are curious. http://www.bryankrahn.com/blog/ As I have said before, I prefer having another coach program my workouts for me, as I tend to overtrain, my body hits a plateau and I can't get out of my own way. When your body stops responding, something needs to change. I tend to want to keep pushing harder and harder on myself and that never ends well. I was also attracted to Bryan's coaching because he specializes in fitness over 40. As many of you know who have been following me, I turn 40 this year in October. 40! FOURRRRRTY!  I feel like I  need you all to know I am ready to LEVEL THE FUCK UP! My business, my brain and my body all need to be challenged in a way that will bring me success and happiness in 2018! FOURRRRTY! Damn, there is SO much power in that age.

What does 40 look like? I know what I used to think 40 looked like, and I do not feel like I fit into any particular mold. I feel better than I did when I was 30, so like the old saying goes..you are only as old as you feel. At 39 I listen to Punk music,  I wear gym clothes all day, I ask the kids to ride their long boards, have minimal furniture, have one set of cutlery, no husband, no children, and no pets or plants...gahh am I even an adult?

Here is how I feel today: I am 5! :)

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I turn 40 October 12, so for 12 weeks and beyond,  I am working on building this body. I have contacted my good friend Demetri http://www.demetrigianni.com/ to conduct another photoshoot for my birthday, and want to show case how I think 40 looks. The theme will be fitness, business and lifestyle for my new decade.

Here is my current physique. I want to work on building a strong, aesthetic physique and bring up my delts, triceps, legs and glutes. I want to look a little more jacked! The best part is you can build your body how ever you want. You get to decide how you want to look. It is so much fun.

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My biggest struggle: Stress, over-training issues, metabolic impairment (endocrinology issues), nutrition deficiencies and getting off the old school mentality of being a figure competitor. To do this I need to focus on doing less HIIT/sprint sessions, more leisure walking and training with low stress and sustainable fashion. I am lifting 5 days a week with an emphasis on legs and shoulders.  I will focus on eating more carbs around my training, increase my fruits and veggies and drinking more water, at least 3 liters.

I sat down and also wrote out how I wanted to feel, not just what I want to look like. I am currently always sore, and even after a full 8-9 hours of sleep I am waking up feeling tired and like I got hit by a truck. My body is not recovering and this is feedback that I am using to assist in restructuring my training and nutrition plan.

Bryan says that my plan will be adjusted as we work together and we use all of the data I am collecting to do so. I will track my weight, my waist measurement, my food and training journal and finally my photo's to give the full picture of my progress.

Tracking gives me freedom because I love data. I look at it as a fun project and not a chore. My body needs self care. I am worth it. I tell my clients this as well. You AND YOUR HEALTH are WORTH IT!

What do you want to look like? How do you want to feel? What does your age look like? How old do you think you look? Please let me know!

How to love sex when you do not love your body right now.

Hey everyone. Today over here at Deanna Harder Fitness, I am going to get a little freaky if I may. 

Let's talk about SEX!

 If you follow me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/deanna.harder.5# you may have noticed I have talking all about #VaginaKUNGFU! I have been diving deep into all things vagina love and I am learning so much from the amazing Kim Anami. http://kimanami.com/vaginal-kung-fu/   She is teaching me to own my feminine sexual power!  

"When your vagina is activated, meaning you are connected to it, you own it and it is integrated into your body and being, you are lit up. ⠀ You're lit!" You have access to your powerful, creative, life-force sexual energy and you can manifest your desires out into the world. ⠀

They don't call it "pro-creative" energy for nothing! "

For a long time ( like 5 years....5 fucking YEARS!!!) I was not in touch with my sexual side. I was obsessed with body perfection and didn't have any space to date or fuck men. I instead spent all my time training and eating to look a certain way, which in fact made me feel very unsexy. I hated how I looked in the mirror, and the thought of any man finding me desirable was inconceivable. I was leaner than ever, and felt unfuckable. It has only been since August that I have started to feel sexier again. I did some work on myself. I worked with an Endocrinologist who helped me optimize my hormones, naturally. I have put on body fat, gained muscle, and healed my relationship with food and exercise. My self confidence is high, therefore I radiate sexual desire. Confidence is sexy, insecurity not so much. Many of my clients who have gained weight, or have had babies, or are going through peri-menopause, or menopause are finding it harder and harder to enjoy sex because they no longer love their bodies. The media still praises tiny, slight, women with perfect breasts and flat stomachs as the most desired. But that shit isn't reality. WE ARE BUMPY, CURVY, SOFT, ROUND, AND JIGGLY! The truth is, if you love yourself, you can love sex right NOW! You are fuckable right now. You do not have to lose 20lb to be sexy. You can radiate sexuality right now if you start to connect with your body. Your body is beautiful right now, and if you love yourself, you will want to eat better, exercise and embrace your sexual desires. You and your spouse will thank-you. Sex will give you energy. Sex will empower you, it will make you walk taller, you will show up happier, more relaxed and with confidence.

How can we love sex, even if we may not love how we look??

1. OWN IT! Stand in the mirror and rock that body. Look at your curves. Touch yourself. Run your hands over your skin and feel how beautiful you are. Connect with yourself. You will get turned on IMMEDIATELY!

2. Get comfortable naked with the lights on in bed with your partner. Again, OWN IT. Rock it.Men do not care if you have a little extra body fat, in fact, most men tell me they love a woman with a little more thickness. Let go, let him see you, let him touch you and enjoy you. No man in his right mind will be turned off by a confident, sexually open women.

3. If you do not have a partner, or even if you do...start to touch yourself. Commit to self pleasure for 30 days. Get a vibrator, or begin to touch yourself, put your fingers inside yourself and explore! Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. Your body is your own to explore. If you discover what makes you turned on, you will be able to direct your partner! He/she will love that.

Here are some of Kim Anami's tips on how to achieve an amazing organsm:

1) Every woman, every orgasm. Yes, vaginal—G-Spot, cervical—or nipple orgasms are available to every woman, everywhere. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

2) One is never enough. The more the merrier! A few orgasms in a session leave a woman feeling truly satisfied. One is just an appetizer. ⠀ 3) An orgasm a day keeps FUKME (Females Utter freaking out about absolutely nothing due to lack of phallic shapes, near, in or around their vaginas, leading to Kataclysmic, psychopathic Moments of intense and troubling repressed sExual tension) away. ⠀ 4) Go deep. The good stuff is in the vagina. The G-Spot and cervix are much deeper and more profound and even spiritual releases for a woman. ⠀ 5) Let it go. All orgasms are attained through surrender, especially the deeper, life-changing orgasms of the vagina. 
Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwPVkfphC3c⠀ ⠀

So, ok, you do all the above and you still are not feeling sexy?  

WELL THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! If you are not able to relax and feel better about yourself, YOU NEED TO CHANGE IT. YOU NEED TO DO THE UNDERLYING WORK. Own it OR CHANGE IT! Take action. Action over anxiety. Take responsibility and acknowledge what you are not happy with. Or stop fucking complaining. Hire a trainer and get to the gym 3 days a week. Take a sexy salsa class. Start walking more. Practice self care by getting to bed earlier, take hot baths and meditate. Start to track your food intake and aim to get in a protein and veggie at each meal. Drink more water. Buy clothing that is flattering and makes you feel sexy. Get a new hair cut and flaunt your unique style. Commit and decide that where you are now is not where you want to be. Take action and just go after that confidence now. Once you make that appointment you will start to feel better immediately.

#wellfuckedwoman

#orgasm

#vaginaltruth

 #lovesexdesire #bodycondfidence #selfesteem #selflove

** Trigger warning. I am writing from my personal experience. I am not a sex expert. If you have experienced any sort of sexual trauma or are have deeper issues than I can help you with, please do not take this advice! This is a fun, flirty blog written to inspire those who may need a pick me up in their sex lives. I feel this information is in my heart to share, therefore I am qualified. The world needs you to love yourself. You deserve it  In case you didn't know this, you're pretty fucking special, you are AMAZING. 

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Loving yourself, revisited.

Hey loves. I want to share a post that I made on Facebook last month over here on my blog. I realize now I was using Facebook as a blog for so long, and so, I am re-posting them here. If you are new to Deanna Harder Fitness, you will need to know I only started blogging in October 2016, so I am a bit late to the party. Please read this very raw post and be sure to comment below. Love ya. DHx So, I am going to be vulnerable here and post this to help others who are struggling with self esteem and toxic people. I was working with a 20 something female client this week who is dating an asshole. He is constantly belittling her and she tells me how it makes her feel so insecure. This girl is FREAKING AWESOME! She has the most beautiful smile and she is smart and driven. I can't stand the thought of her letting anyone tell her otherwise. I know she will read this....so, here.. we... go!

I have been working on loving myself for my whole life. I finally started to feel pretty fuxking confident this last year, only after a decade of hard work. I opened myself up to dating even though I had braces, had gained some weight and felt ugly.

I dated a man briefly this summer who told me I shouldn't love myself so much. He told me that NO BODY should love themselves so much and that I was stupid for doing so. He would get angry when I would express happiness for how good I was feeling and he would tell me he didn't want to hear it. He told me he couldn't understand how I made it this far in life alone as to him I was still a child. He told me that I had it too easy because my parents loved me too much and gave me a great childhood!

He hated that I posted so much on social media and that I was too "into myself". He said he hated himself and he couldn't be around someone so happy. He always made me feel stupid and I would leave our visits feeling empty and sad. But, I wanted him to like me...which right there proves how easy it is for someone with low self esteem to attract an asshole.

Now that it ended I realized how WRONG HE WAS! YES....my parents gave me a great childhood...they loved the shit out of me. My mom and dad told me I could do anything I set my mind to if I worked hard..and so I DID! I went to college away from home. I moved to the city and I started my business alone. I bought my condo alone, traveled alone and made my life what it is alone. So if that makes me a child than YAY ME! I will forever be a child then. Yes, I post on social media teaching fitness and fun. I am willing to be messy and imperfect. Even in front of others. This is what I do for a living you idiot. If I don't love myself how can I expect anyone else to love me? How do I expect my clients to want to hire me?

Self-love is THE most important thing you need in order to have ANYTHING you want, to really make you happy, loved, and fulfilled. Without self-love you will constantly be wondering what is wrong with you, why things “never work out” and why you aren’t getting what you want. Self-love is the critical foundation in your happiness.

So fuxk that guy, and that is exactly what I told my client to tell her boyfriend who makes her feel bad. She needs to love herself and see how amazing she is if she wants to be happy with all aspects of her life.

Anyway...that is all I want to say about that.

Let's go and be awesome and fuxk those people that want to make you feel bad about loving yourself. Let go of things that aren’t serving you, including people.

How have you overcome a toxic relationship? Have you had trouble loving yourself? Can you be vulnerable and share with me here too? I would love that from you!

xxFitbabe

An Apology To My Body

I had this sent to me, long ago. I have saved it and read it over and over whenever I need a reminder of how far I have come. If anyone knows who wrote this, please let me know and I will be sure to give her credit. I have never had a baby, but it is a powerful message to my clients who have, and since are forever unsatisfied with their bodies. The only way out of it is through, when hating yourself doesn't work, try loving yourself. Love Fitbabe...

Dear Body:

I’m sorry that I’ve hated you. I’m sorry that I’ve cursed at you for being fat when 99% of the time you weren’t, and even if you were, it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry that I wished you were different when all you ever were was good to me. I’m sorry that I compared you to others.

I’m sorry that I starved you when you needed food. I’m sorry for punishing you by going without food as a trade off for not exercising or being a certain weight on the scale. I’m sorry that I pushed you to the limits with too much exercise when you needed rest. On the treadmill I would run miles and miles, not in the name of fitness, and you said you couldn’t take anymore. I didn’t listen to you when you were trying to tell me to stop. You asked me for more calories and I said no.

You’ve always been there for me, even when I let you down. I’m so very lucky to have you. Legs: You’ve always been strong and taken me wherever I needed to go, even when I hated the thighs. Arms: I haven’t been too mean to you, but hands; lately I’ve been hateful by saying you look old and worn out. But you’ve been wonderful. And belly: I think I’ve been the worst to you. I’ve hated you since puberty. When you started to stick out and I realized I would never have a completely flat stomach like so many other girls did. I have loathed you for that and I’m sorry. You gave me the most precious gift I could ever ask for: my son,and soon another baby so go ahead and stick out all you want. And to my skin: I’ve been mean to you too, comparing you to others, wishing you were different. I’m sorry, you’ve been great too.

So I now say “Thank you” with all of my heart and soul. Thank you for doing your best all these years while enduring my negativity. Thank you for loving me back when I didn’t love you. And thank you for staying healthy. You are beautiful.

I love you. I really, really do. I love you now more than ever.

Love always,

Me

Rejection

IF IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO. REJECTION IS PROTECTION. Hello everyone. I am going to write tonight about rejection. This actually makes me feel real vulnerable to share, but I am feeling this post will resonate with many of you.

I will start out by saying I have not let any man get close to me in the last 5 years. I have had a lot of "first" dates. When on these dates if there wasn't that BIG rush of chemistry immediatly I would shun them.  I wanted that "love at first sight" feeling. I have had it before and I wanted it again.

I also was dealing with my eating disorder and exercise addiction which left little to no space for love. How could I ever let someone love me if I didn't even love myself? How could I let a man see me naked, when I could hardly stand the sight of my own reflection in the mirror? It just seemed like I was doomed to be alone forever. My eating disorder had a serious hold over me.

Within the last 2-3 years I got help and was able to stop my obessession with exercise and obsessive dieting.  In 2014 I did my last figure competition, and slowly made the transition away from the bodybuilding stage. The only way I was able to do it was by telling myself that the figure stage would always be there and I could always come back if I wanted. Deep down inside I knew I was DONE. I just knew. My body knew. No matter how hard I dieted and exercised I wasn't able to get and stay lean anymore.

I remember the last day I made myself throw up. It was a Sunday night in February.  I was staring at myself in the mirror and looked at my bloodshot eyes. I looked at myself long and hard. I thought to myself..what the fuck are you doing here? HOW DID YOU GET HERE. WHY ARE YOU STILL FUCKING DOING THIS TO YOURSELF? That was it. I looked at myself and felt so bad for the woman looking back at me. She was hurting, she was desperate to stop, she was alone and she was scared. I saw my 16 year old self and thought "what would I tell her?" That was it. I just felt something HIT me, I can't explain it. That was the last time I ever made myself sick again.

I never looked back. Several months later I was scheduled to get braces on my teeth. For the next 19 months I was so insecure as I hated  my smile. I felt I was "unfuckable" now. I had braces, I was 15lb heavier than I was as a Figure Competitor, and I was insecure. Who would want me now? As much as I held it together as a Personal Trainer at work, I was super depressed and had a lot of issues with my body image that I kept inside me.

I had work to do. Hard work. I started to reach out to my friends, and in particular my friend Donloree. We worked together on projects, went for walks,  drank coffee and wine and talked and talked. I started using a dating app, and decided that if a man had a problem with my braces, then fuck him! I faked it until I made it. IT WORKED.

I began dating a man for several weeks. It happened overnight. I fell in love with him immediately. It was intense for me as I was willing to let myself like someone. He made me want to do things I had repressed for over 5 years. He gave me confidence, and I felt desired and sexy. It was that huge dopamine response that I was looking for all along. I was aggressive with my feelings that I was having. I didn't hold anything back. I told him everyday how much I liked him. When it comes to love, I fall hard and I fall fast – if you're on the receiving end of it, you will never have to wonder what I am thinking. I wear my heart on my sleave. I was in lust and it was fabulous. Until I scared the shit out of this man. He just wanted to casually start dating again and he met me and I was "ride or DIE!" He had been married and also been in serious relationships prior to meeting me. He was in "dating" mode. I was in fallling IN LOVE mode. I was like.."if it isn't a FUCK YES, it is a NO"

He wasn't emotionally available for the intensity of Deanna. He was not in the right place for me in his life. So, as much as we were attracted to each other sexually, he was not a match for me emotionally. He didn't want to be in a relationship 7 days a week, 365. So, he told me that and I refused to listen. I was persistant and kept trying to convince him he was indeed ready. That never ends well. It left me feeling desperate and needy.  He would continue to tell me no, he couldn't see me and I continued to come back to him.  I felt like an abused dog who gets kicked by his owner, but still comes wimpering back looking for love.

It took over a month for me to stop texting and tweeting him. It took a lot of sobbing and Alanis Morissette to heal my melancholy. I just didn't understand why this man wouldn't want me? I am successful, attractive, funny, well spoken, educated and have a ton to offer? Why NOT ME?

He told me it wasn't me. I am fine. It was him. He wasn't ready and he didn't want what I wanted. I just couldn't deal with that. I sobbed and sobbed. Everyday, my eyes swollen and my heart breaking over and over again. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is just undeniably grueling. There is nothing worse than feeling like the bottom dropped out of your world and having no one around notice you are breaking inside.

So, yes, I have just been through a break up. It was over as fast as it started. I know that I had to grieve the relationship I thought I MIGHT have had with this man. I have to just keep going. I have to try and see how this situation can teach me something and make me stronger. What did I learn from it? Here is what I came up with.

1. I learned to trust both the pain and the love but let the love be eternal and let the pain be temporary. I will feel okay again.

2. Even on your toughest day, when you feel and look like garbage, someone thinks you’re beautiful. I am beautiful.

3. I loved hard, I loved fast, and I loved with all my heart. I was faithfully true to my emotions at the time. No risk, no reward.

4. I decided to change the question to WHY ME to, Why was I picked to have this experience? That changes everything. It happened to me for me.

5. I learned that it's ok. You are allowed to fall, just as long as you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again. It's the falls that teach us how to be better!

6. Everything looks better after a good nights sleep. Everything will always be better in the morning.

7. We’re all imperfect. Your personal journey is imperfect and going to be filled with mis-steps and failures. Just keep going.

8. I was addicted to the idea of love. Love addiction is like any other addiction. You’re filling yourself up with something outside of you. I do not need a man to validate my self worth.

9. If you can't love yourself, you can't let anyone else love you either.

10. Time heals all wounds. Time and DEADLIFTS. Yes, Deadlifts are the cure to everything. HA HA.

So, here I am. Single again. But, I know that this last relationship, no matter how short it was, no matter how tumultuous, was brought into my life for a reason. I will not cry because it is over, I will smile because it happened. I now know that I have it in me to love and let someone else into my weird little world again. The right man will enter my life at the perfect time, and I will be ready for him. I am not afraid to fall again, because I know I can handle anything. I will not break, in fact, come at me, I've got this.

Please let me know how you got over a break up? What did you learn?

Love Deanna