IF IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO. REJECTION IS PROTECTION. Hello everyone. I am going to write tonight about rejection. This actually makes me feel real vulnerable to share, but I am feeling this post will resonate with many of you.
I will start out by saying I have not let any man get close to me in the last 5 years. I have had a lot of "first" dates. When on these dates if there wasn't that BIG rush of chemistry immediatly I would shun them. I wanted that "love at first sight" feeling. I have had it before and I wanted it again.
I also was dealing with my eating disorder and exercise addiction which left little to no space for love. How could I ever let someone love me if I didn't even love myself? How could I let a man see me naked, when I could hardly stand the sight of my own reflection in the mirror? It just seemed like I was doomed to be alone forever. My eating disorder had a serious hold over me.
Within the last 2-3 years I got help and was able to stop my obessession with exercise and obsessive dieting. In 2014 I did my last figure competition, and slowly made the transition away from the bodybuilding stage. The only way I was able to do it was by telling myself that the figure stage would always be there and I could always come back if I wanted. Deep down inside I knew I was DONE. I just knew. My body knew. No matter how hard I dieted and exercised I wasn't able to get and stay lean anymore.
I remember the last day I made myself throw up. It was a Sunday night in February. I was staring at myself in the mirror and looked at my bloodshot eyes. I looked at myself long and hard. I thought to myself..what the fuck are you doing here? HOW DID YOU GET HERE. WHY ARE YOU STILL FUCKING DOING THIS TO YOURSELF? That was it. I looked at myself and felt so bad for the woman looking back at me. She was hurting, she was desperate to stop, she was alone and she was scared. I saw my 16 year old self and thought "what would I tell her?" That was it. I just felt something HIT me, I can't explain it. That was the last time I ever made myself sick again.
I never looked back. Several months later I was scheduled to get braces on my teeth. For the next 19 months I was so insecure as I hated my smile. I felt I was "unfuckable" now. I had braces, I was 15lb heavier than I was as a Figure Competitor, and I was insecure. Who would want me now? As much as I held it together as a Personal Trainer at work, I was super depressed and had a lot of issues with my body image that I kept inside me.
I had work to do. Hard work. I started to reach out to my friends, and in particular my friend Donloree. We worked together on projects, went for walks, drank coffee and wine and talked and talked. I started using a dating app, and decided that if a man had a problem with my braces, then fuck him! I faked it until I made it. IT WORKED.
I began dating a man for several weeks. It happened overnight. I fell in love with him immediately. It was intense for me as I was willing to let myself like someone. He made me want to do things I had repressed for over 5 years. He gave me confidence, and I felt desired and sexy. It was that huge dopamine response that I was looking for all along. I was aggressive with my feelings that I was having. I didn't hold anything back. I told him everyday how much I liked him. When it comes to love, I fall hard and I fall fast – if you're on the receiving end of it, you will never have to wonder what I am thinking. I wear my heart on my sleave. I was in lust and it was fabulous. Until I scared the shit out of this man. He just wanted to casually start dating again and he met me and I was "ride or DIE!" He had been married and also been in serious relationships prior to meeting me. He was in "dating" mode. I was in fallling IN LOVE mode. I was like.."if it isn't a FUCK YES, it is a NO"
He wasn't emotionally available for the intensity of Deanna. He was not in the right place for me in his life. So, as much as we were attracted to each other sexually, he was not a match for me emotionally. He didn't want to be in a relationship 7 days a week, 365. So, he told me that and I refused to listen. I was persistant and kept trying to convince him he was indeed ready. That never ends well. It left me feeling desperate and needy. He would continue to tell me no, he couldn't see me and I continued to come back to him. I felt like an abused dog who gets kicked by his owner, but still comes wimpering back looking for love.
It took over a month for me to stop texting and tweeting him. It took a lot of sobbing and Alanis Morissette to heal my melancholy. I just didn't understand why this man wouldn't want me? I am successful, attractive, funny, well spoken, educated and have a ton to offer? Why NOT ME?
He told me it wasn't me. I am fine. It was him. He wasn't ready and he didn't want what I wanted. I just couldn't deal with that. I sobbed and sobbed. Everyday, my eyes swollen and my heart breaking over and over again. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is just undeniably grueling. There is nothing worse than feeling like the bottom dropped out of your world and having no one around notice you are breaking inside.
So, yes, I have just been through a break up. It was over as fast as it started. I know that I had to grieve the relationship I thought I MIGHT have had with this man. I have to just keep going. I have to try and see how this situation can teach me something and make me stronger. What did I learn from it? Here is what I came up with.
I learned to trust both the pain and the love but let the love be eternal and let the pain be temporary. I will feel okay again.
Even on your toughest day, when you feel and look like garbage, someone thinks you’re beautiful. I am beautiful.
I loved hard, I loved fast, and I loved with all my heart. I was faithfully true to my emotions at the time. No risk, no reward.
I decided to change the question to WHY ME to, Why was I picked to have this experience? That changes everything. It happened to me for me.
I learned that it's ok. You are allowed to fall, just as long as you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again. It's the falls that teach us how to be better!
Everything looks better after a good nights sleep. Everything will always be better in the morning.
We’re all imperfect. Your personal journey is imperfect and going to be filled with mis-steps and failures. Just keep going.
I was addicted to the idea of love. Love addiction is like any other addiction. You’re filling yourself up with something outside of you. I do not need a man to validate my self worth.
If you can't love yourself, you can't let anyone else love you either.
Time heals all wounds. Time and DEADLIFTS. Yes, Deadlifts are the cure to everything. HA HA.
So, here I am. Single again. But, I know that this last relationship, no matter how short it was, no matter how tumultuous, was brought into my life for a reason. I will not cry because it is over, I will smile because it happened. I now know that I have it in me to love and let someone else into my weird little world again. The right man will enter my life at the perfect time, and I will be ready for him. I am not afraid to fall again, because I know I can handle anything. I will not break, in fact, come at me, I've got this.
Please let me know how you got over a break up? What did you learn?
Love Deanna
